


Ice is also great and would suffice

by whosays_penultimate



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Homophobia, Identity Issues, Internalized Homophobia, Javi is not a nice guy, Language Barrier, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Not Actually Unrequited Love, OOC, Sexual Situations, Some Humor, crude language, does not follow real timeline, non-con elements, sort of an AU but they're still skaters, sort of irreverent tone i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 23:50:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15593547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whosays_penultimate/pseuds/whosays_penultimate
Summary: So idk where this came from. If you read the tags and still decide to read this, please find comfort in the knowledge that you cannot hate me more than I hate myself lolI know I promised to write a fluff piece set in the same universe as my previous story, sorry, maybe someday it will happen.@nineteensai, if you’re around, here’s what i made of your idea with Yuzu breaking into Javi’s hotel room to wait for him in bed naked. : ))





	Ice is also great and would suffice

**Author's Note:**

> So idk where this came from. If you read the tags and still decide to read this, please find comfort in the knowledge that you cannot hate me more than I hate myself lol  
> I know I promised to write a fluff piece set in the same universe as my previous story, sorry, maybe someday it will happen.  
> @nineteensai, if you’re around, here’s what i made of your idea with Yuzu breaking into Javi’s hotel room to wait for him in bed naked. : ))

 

“How is your lovely team mate doing? Zuzu, was it?”

“Yuzuru", Javier corrected. "And we’re not team mates, dude. We don’t play a _team_ sport.”– It’s every man for himself, he wanted to add, but his friend, Conrad, interrupted:

“Listen, do you sometimes get confused, thinking he’s a girl? Like when you didn’t get any for a while?”

“He’s not a girl. Trust me, I’ve shared locker rooms with him and everything”, Javier deadpanned.

“Okay, so he’s got a dick. But like, those curves on him... Tasty.”

“D’you want me to introduce you or something?”

“Hahaha, what, no! I like pussy, thank you very much! Besides, it’s you he’s very obviously crushing on.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’ve only watched your open practice for like, half an hour and I’ve seen enough. Like...him hanging all over you in those tight clothes ... giggling like a schoolgirl at your stupid jokes...”

“Are you finished? How long till your bus comes, again?”

“Just sayin’ man... You’re missing out on some locker room blowjob action, just because you’re oblivious....”

“It might have escaped you, Conrad, as most things do, but I’m not gay.”

“Who says you gotta be? A blowjob is always welcome. Just close your eyes and think of Georgia. Or, y’know, whoever does it for you.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“And you’re a cunt. Just helping a bro out with well meaning advice, that’s what I get.”

Javier actually laughed.

“Get outta here, will you.”

“Or you could always give it to him good and proper, right in his tight little boypussy.”

Conrad made a few suggestive motions, tongue lolling out, while Javier stared at him, torn between laughter and annoyance.

“Hi, Javi!” he heard behind him and almost jumped a mile.

“Yuzu!” he screeched, blanching visibly.

Conrad doubled over in laughter, as Javier glared at him murderously, signalling for him to quit it.

Yuzuru approached them, trailing his trolley behind him, seemingly oblivious to having interrupted something.

“Yuzu – have you - erm - what are you doing here? Thought you had gone home.”

“Mom late to pick me up today. Think I wait for her in cafeteria.”

“Ah, right, you’re welcome to join us, then,” Javier smiled pleasantly, and moved aside, to make room for Yuzuru in their booth.

“No – I bother.”

“No bother at all!” Conrad shouted, before Javier could reply. “Hey, I’m Conrad, Javi’s buddy.”

Yuzuru smiled and extended a hand.

“Yuzu”, he said, pointing at himself. “My English not so good”, he added apologetically.

“Nonsense, it’s perfect”, Conrad waved a hand. “Besides, we can’t all be good at everything. You’re great at skating.”

“Thank you”, Yuzuru said, smiling widely. “Do you skate?” he asked.

“Me? Yes. Hockey.”

“Cool”, Yuzuru answered. “You train here?”

“Yep. You should come hang out with us sometime. We paint the town red like twice a month or so. Javi joins us too, when he’s not feeling too whipped by his coach. Matter of fact, we’re planning an outing this Friday!”

“You....paint?” Yuzuru asked, confused.

“He means go out to get drunk”, Javier explained, with a sigh. “Yuzuru doesn’t drink”, he added, for Conrad’s benefit.

“Uh- really...?” Conrad reacted, seemingly at a loss on what to do with this information. “Not at all, like, _not at all_?”

“I think I have allergy”, Yuzuru said, seriously, and Javier rolled his eyes ‘not that again.’

As expected, Conrad started laughing.

“Kid, how can you be allergic to alcohol, like c’mon! What a sad life that would be! Tell you what, join us this one time and I’ll have them mix you a special one, guaranteed to like it! Even my girl digs it!”

Yuzuru looked confused, but then nodded, with a smile.

“Attaboy!” Conrad brightened, taking it for an accepted invitation. Javier stifled his laughter, but made no attempt to clear the misunderstanding.

Fortunately, Yuzuru’s mother showed up after that, and the conversation was interrupted, Yuzuru departing with bows and smiles in their direction.

“What a fit lil cutie”, Conrad commented, brightly. “Seriously, he’s prettier than most chicks I’ve banged. I think we had a bonding moment back there.”

“You know he didn’t understand like 80% of what you said, right?” Javier told Conrad, a look of pity on his face.

“Bullshit, we totally bonded! I convinced him to go out with us and everything!”

Javier laughed silently for a while.

“No, you didn’t, he always nods and smiles when he doesn’t understand something. Oh yeah, and he never, _ever_ goes out.”

His laughter intensified at Conrad’s bewildered look.

“Wait-“, Conrad said, suddenly, a slow grin forming on his face, “you mean, you can ask him stuff he doesn’t understand and he’ll just smile and say yes? Why didn’t you tell me that before? I’d have asked him _all kinds_ of dirty stuff!”

“Very fucking mature, dude”, Javier shook his head.

“Oh, come on, it’s funny! ‘My knob needs polishing, can you help with that, Yuzu?’ ‘ _Yes, yes_.’ Ahahaha!”

“Kindergarden humour”, Javier repeated, with a smile.

“Alright, like you’re the intellectual. Hey, what time is it? I gotta shag ass, I’m missing my 20:15.”

“Shoo, then.”

“Bye, Javi, see you at the pub on Friday!”

“Yep, see you, Conman.”

 

To Javier’s surprise, Yuzuru came up to him on Friday and asked if Javier was going out with the ‘boys’ and if he, Yuzuru, was still invited. Javier goggled at him with unfeigned surprise.

“Yuzu, we’ve all asked you like a million times to go out, and you always say no, and now this douchebag you don’t even know asks you and you wanna go?”

Yuzuru frowned, as he considered this carefully.

“Is....Conrad not your friend?”

“Well yes, but he’s still a douchebag, I mean...”, Javier shrugged his shoulders helplessly, at a loss on how to explain.

“And....Javi will be there too?”

“Yeah, I will.”

“Then, it’s cool. I wanna come.”

“But-but- We’re not....We’ll be drinking, like a lot... and probably behave like assholes”, Javier said, regretfully but truthfully.

“Javi not asshole”, Yuzuru said, categorically.

“Thanks...for the vote of confidence, but you see me at my best when I’m at the club... Anyway, I’m pretty sure you won’t like it. And besides, you don’t drink.”

“So you don’t want me come?”

Javier shrugged.

“You should come if you want to. As Brian keeps saying, it’s good for you to get out more. But I don’t get it, whenever me and Gaby and Nam wanted to bring you along for ice cream and shit, you always said no - and now, you wanna go to some sleazy bar where things are gonna get rowdy.... I just didn’t know this was your thing... by the way, is your mom okay with you joining us?”

“She okay”, Yuzuru confimed.

“Well then....”, Javier said. “Fine, I guess. We leave after practice.”

Javier managed to convince himself that Yuzuru would change his mind by the end of the day, so by the time practice finished he was in a reasonably good mood. However, it wasn’t to be. Yuzuru was waiting for him, already showered and changed into his street clothes, a pair of blue jeans and a white V-neck t-shirt with random patterns. Javier locked his training clothes and equipment in his locker morosely. He didn’t know why Yuzuru coming along bothered him, but it did. He felt like having to babysit his little brother instead of shooting the shit with his mates. A judgmental little brother, who didn’t speak much English. Javier groaned. He looked Yuzuru over anxiously, trying to see him through his mates’ eyes. He winced, and cursed Conrad colourfully in his mind.

“Ready, Javi!” Yuzuru said, brightly.

As expected, there was a momentary hush over the table, when Javier and Yuzuru arrived.

“Guys, this is Yuzu, we train together at the club, and Conrad here”, Javier said pointedly, “invited him to join us tonight.”

“Awesome, you made it, Yuzu!”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, nice to.”

“No offense, nice to see ya and everything, but you look below drinking age, mate.”

“Oh I don’t drink!” Yuzuru said, smiling, and bowing to everyone.

“Riiight....”

“He’ll have just a little one!” Conrad winked. “I promised, didn’t I?”

Javier gave a pained laugh.

Alan, Conrad’s cousin, decided to be nice:

“Nice bling blings you got there, Yuzu”, he said, waving towards Yuzuru’s necklaces and bracelets.

Yuzuru blinked, following the movements of Alan’s hand, then understood.

“Thank you!” he beamed.

“I need a hundred beers”, Javier sighed, flopping on the bench. “Exactly...exactly one hundred. Thank you.”

 

Lights were dancing in front of his eyes in the near-darkness of the pub and his vision was hazy, so Javier had to blink repeatedly to focus. The place was almost deserted, it must have been pretty late. At his right, Conrad was passionately arguing with Mike. He turned to the left, only to see Yuzuru steadily watching him through his eyelashes. He had a glass of something orange-y in front of him, with an umbrella in it – Javier didn’t know whether or not it contained alcohol, but it looked untouched.

“-ey”, Javier managed. “’aving fun?”

Yuzuru stood up and inched closer, still watching him. Javier stared back, at Yuzuru’s smooth, unblemished face and attractive almond eyes.

“You’re pretty”, Javier slurred, then felt around the table for his beer.

Yuzuru shifted even closer, until he was almost in Javier’s lap. He took Javier’s hand and removed it from the table, placing it on his hip. Javier took a deep breath. The smell of alcohol, tobacco and stale heat was suddenly replaced by a pristine scent, fresh and fragrant. Javier dropped his head forward onto Yuzuru’s collarbone, sighing happily when his heated forehead met that blessed source of coolness.

“Javi-“, Yuzuru sighed, fingers caressing the curls at the back of Javier’s head.

“Unh,” Javier replied, nearly ready to fall asleep.

Yuzuru slid down suddenly, Javier’s head slipping from his makeshift pillow. Before Javier could react, he felt the gentle but insistent pressure of soft lips upon his own. Thing is, Javier was drunk – dizzy drunk, the kind of drunk where the only thing you’re anticipating is the sweet heavy sleep that’s gonna descend like a benediction over your alcohol-foggy mind – and yet, when he felt those coaxing lips on his, soft and strangely chaste, yet stubbornly demanding – a corner of his mind screamed in panic. Such a thing absolutely mustn’t and shouldn’t happen, and what was Yuzuru doing, and what even was reality anymore. Yuzuru made a small noise of frustration at Javier’s unresponsive state, he changed angles and dove in again, stubborn in this as he was in everything. Javier rested his hands loosely on Yuzuru’s hips, which were moving in wild circular motions, as he was aiming to get more leverage while trying not to slip from Javier’s lap.

“Hell yeah”, someone’s voice called out, Javier thought maybe it was Conrad, but he couldn’t be too sure. “I’m totally filming this!”

Yuzuru broke the kiss, if kiss it could be called, and sobbed against Javier’s mouth.

“Javi....Javi. I _like you so much_...”

Javier’s first thought was ‘What do you know, Conman was right. Yuzu is indeed crushing on me.’ He was actually amused by the prospect. Well, never let it be said that Javier was a kill-joy. Besides, there wasn’t anything about Yuzuru that wasn’t turning him on at that particular moment in time. Not even his very obvious erection poking Javier’s stomach. He linked his hands behind Yuzuru’s back and half-lifted him, shifting their positions, then pushed him to lie down on the bench. Javier bent over Yuzuru and started kissing him properly, open-mouthed and dirty, thrusting his tongue skillfully in Yuzuru’s mouth, sucking languidly at his plush bottom lip and teasing the pert upper lip with small licks, lingering over the pronounced cupid’s bow.

“Oh, I’m definitely filming _this,_ ” Conrad called out, there and were flashes and phones whipped out all around them, but neither Yuzuru nor Javier reacted to them.

There was only a matter of time before someone outside of their group noticed the commotion.

“Guys, this isn’t a gay bar. Move this party somewhere else, okay?” a waitress came over to tell them in a friendly, if tired voice.

“We’re not gay!” Javier shouted, scrambling off Yuzuru immediately.

“Right, and we don’t have a problem, really”, she near-laughed. “Just make sure you find someplace else before this scene gets x-rated.”

“Duuude!” Mick put in. “It was already x-rated as _fuck_! You’re so wild! The both of you. Wow!” He laughed, loud and long. “Dan’s gonna be really bummed he missed this!”

“I’m seeing a whole new side of you, Javi”, Alan snickered.

“You shut the fuck up,” Javier replied. He was shaking with anger, and it took him a while to realize Yuzuru was clinging to his arm, pulling at him to get his attention. “What?!” he turned to him, furious.

Yuzuru, hair tousled, heavy-lidded and dark-eyed, stared back at him with all the love in the world.

“Let’s get out of here”, Yuzuru whispered, and Javier’s gaze dropped to his kiss-bitten lips.

“Thanks, but no,” Javier bit out, harshly, and pushed him away. “I’m going to my own bed to sleep, alone. I already feel a headache coming on.”

A hush fell across the table, his friends stopped from their excited running commentary of the scene they had just witnessed, and looked at him askance.

“What the fuck, Javi?”

“...You okay, dude?”

“...the hell?”

“Yuzu, come on. I’ll take you home.” Conrad’s voice.

“I... cab.”

“Yeah, sure. Cab. Just tell me your address, and I’ll drop you off. Don’t be upset about Javi, he’s a jerk sometimes, I’m sure he’ll kick himself tomorrow.”

“I just wanna sleep”, Javier slurred. “Can’t think straight.”

Alan snickered at that, mumbled ‘for sure you can’t’, but then stood up as well.

“Right, let’s break this party down then, fam.”

Javier felt Yuzuru unpeel himself from him, and the side of his body where he’d been plastered to felt wet and cold. He shivered. He didn’t look up at Yuzuru, not even when Conrad bent to whisper into Javier’s ear:

“Don’t worry, I’ll finish what you started.”

 

Javier woke up the next day around afternoon with his gums seemingly glued to each other and his head throbbing. He drank a gallon of water and lazily set about making a coffee. He checked his phone – 3 messages. One from Conrad – Call me when you return to the land of the living. One spam. And one from Yuzuru, dated early this morning: “I am very sorry for my behaviour last night. It was unacceptable and I am very ashamed. Please accept my apologies.” It looked like a miracle of Google translate, because Yuzuru surely didn’t talk like this. He deleted all of them, and threw his phone aside.

Conrad called just as Javier was settling in front of his playstation.

“Dude, don’t tell me you’re still asleep.”

“Yes, I am, I’m talking to you in my sleep, you moron.”

“Look, I know you’re pissed that chick called you gay last night, but don’t take it out on me! Also, newsflash, sticking your tongue down a guy’s throat is considered sort of gay in all cultures!”  

“Look, can we just move past this?”

“Alright, yeah! We’re past it, dude! So whatcha doing?”

“Not much, was gonna play a game.”

“Aren’t you gonna call Yuzu? Not curious about your sweetheart, like at all?”

“He’s not my sweetheart.”

“I took him home. I could’ve fucked him, too, for all you care.”

“Thought you said you liked pussy. But yeah, I don’t in fact – care.”

“I didn’t do anything, you idiot! I only took him home! What kinda friend do you think I am, really! I only said that last night to rile you up, maybe get you to step up and own it!”

“I know”, Javier answered.

“You – fucking - dick! Look, I mean, I know I’m not the world’s most sensitive, yeah, but you....you’re something else, dude! You could’ve said something nice to him at least, like, nice words don’t cost a thing, man!”

“Con, stop yelling like a fucking lunatic, my head hurts like a bitch!”

“Good!” Conrad yelled.

Javier winced and moved the phone away from his ear.

“You know, Yuzu cried all the way home? He just sat there, in the cab, and cried silently – I’ve never seen someone cry like that before, it broke my heart. Not a single sob, not a single word against you, just big, quiet tears, like he expected nothing more. I tried to cheer him up, as you do, you know? I said ‘Don’t be upset. Javi’s a prick sometimes’. D’you know what he said? ‘Javi is the best. He helps me so much.’ God, he’s really gone for you. Don’t know what you did to deserve it-“

“Not that it’s any of your business, really.”

“I told him, before I left him ‘Javi’ll come round, he likes you’, and he said ‘It’s okay. No bother him again.’ So you better call him, and apologize, and meet up, and make sweet love to him, because, fuck – you obviously want to-“

“Listen, Conrad”, Javier said, seriously. “If you want us to stay chill with each other, then please do not mention what happened last night or Yuzuru, to me, ever again. Just forget about it.”

“....But why, man? Why, I don’t get it-“

“You don’t have to get it. Like I said, forget about it.”

“Fine, but like.... just tell me this okay, and then I’ll never bring it up again: What are you gonna do about all this?”

“Me? Nothing”, Javier replied. “Oh, and before I forget, the pictures you guys took last night, and the movies and god knows what else.... delete them. Right now.”

“It’s not like I’m gonna put them up on insta, dude. You really don’t trust me at all.”

“It’s not that. I feel sick just knowing they exist. And stuff like this has a way of being found, shared, I don’t know. Please, Conrad, if you give the slightest shit about me, you’ll delete them.”

“....Fine, Jesus fucking Christ. You goddamn homo bitch. I’ll delete them, I promise.”

Javier breathed easier.

“Thank you.”

 

 

Javier dragged himself to TCC on Monday with even less than his usual enthusiasm, which meant he took even longer to get out of bed and was an hour later than his usual late. He was not looking forward to seeing Yuzuru. Whether he’d be moping, or avoiding Javier altogether, or even pretending that things were normal, it would still be annoying.

Brian caught up with him as he was trying to slink towards the locker rooms unnoticed.

“What would you do for a Klondike bar?” he said, waving a protein bar, then motioned for Javier to follow him.

“I’m really sorry”, Javier started, “I know I’m super late, and I promise to try—“

Brian closed the door to his office and interrupted him mid sentence:

“You’re going to sit down, and tell me exactly what happened between you and Yuzuru these past few days.”

Javier sighed, and remained silent.

“No”, he finally answered. “It’s none of your business, Brian.”

“Everything you do here is my business, you silly child!” Brian thundered. “I bought you meds and wiped your snot when the flu knocked you out and I held your forehead while you puked in a Shanghai toilet after eating that disgusting crab. So I think I’ve earned the right to know everything about you. Now, spill.”

“Not much to tell. We went out on Friday after practice – not my idea, by the way, I’d never take Yuzu to a goddamn bar of all places, but one of my mates invited him on a whim, the fucker, and Yuzu really wanted to go, so it seemed douchey to say no.”

“Right, and what happened there?”

“The strangest thing happened there, which is that Yuzuru kissed me.”

Javier looked at Brian, expecting to see his eyes pop out of their sockets, but Brian just looked resigned.

“Did you kiss him back?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” Brian rounded up the words, with obvious frustration.

“I don’t know”, Javier answered with similar exasperation. “I was drunk and he was all over me. He started it!”

“But you’re not _gay”,_ Brian continued to hound him. “What were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t thinking! He smelled good, his lips were sweet and his skin was soft-“

Brian lifted a hand for him to stop like he had heard enough – Javier continued, undeterred:

“-and his waist simply begged for my hands to rest there, and he was just so _eager,_ I guess I didn’t need a better reason? Like I said, I wasn’t doing much thinking at the time.”

“So you let him kiss you.”

“Yes. Truthfully, he wasn’t very good at it. So I held him down and showed him better. He liked that, very much. He wanted to take things further, but I wasn’t drunk enough for _that_.”

“Enough graphic details.”

“You asked.”

Brian fell silent.

“Fuck’s sakes, Javi,” he said eventually, shaking his head sadly.

“You think I’m a dick.”

“I think you’re irresponsible. Are you in love with Yuzu? Of course you’re not. He has feelings for you, and instead of letting him down gently, you let him kiss you, make him think he has a chance, then you drop him like hot coals. That’s not very nice, Javi!”

“Alright, but I shouldn’t be the only one getting a speech! I hope you’ve got one ready for Yuzu, as well! Brian, he jumped me! He basically cornered me, he set me up! For the first time in 3 – it’s been 3 years since he came here, right? – he suddenly wants to go out, and it’s only because he knew I was gonna get absolutely plastered! I was set up!”

The more Javier thought about it, the more righteously mad he became. He was the victim here, not Yuzuru.

“You know, I would if I could, but it doesn’t look like I’d get the chance to give him any more speeches”, Brian answered.

“What?” Javier asked, bewildered.

“Aren’t you wondering how I knew that something happened between the two of you?”

“Uhhh?” Javier frowned, trying to think. “Yeah....how do you...? Oh, c’mon, Brian, take pity, I’m still not a hundred percent after Friday night...”

“Serves you right. Yuzu’s mom called. She told me that Yuzu has decided to stop training here. They’ll move back to Japan, and she’s gonna come by later this week to discuss the formal arrangements with me.”

Javier gaped, mouth open comically wide.

“What?? He wants to _leave_?? But, but---“ he trailed off, shocked to the core. “You didn’t....try to change his mind?” he ventured.

“I’m not in the habit of doing that. If someone decides they don’t need my services anymore, it’s their call. Although this time I suspect, it has less to do with me than with you.”

“How much did Yuzu’s mom tell you?” Javier asked, horrified. “Does she know what happened?”

“No, just that he went out with you on Friday. The next day, he told her of his decision to leave.”

“So she suspects it’s something to do with me.”

“She doesn’t accuse you of anything. I was the one who connected the dots.”

“Brian, I can try to change his mind – if it’s because of me-“

To his surprise, Brian laughed.

“For god’s sakes, kid. I’m not asking you to. I understand all too well what a delicate situation this is. Perhaps Yuzu leaving is indeed the best solution.”

“But you’re gonna be losing a star pupil!”

“Let me worry about that, will you?”

“Ugh, I can’t live with this guilt! I should be the one to leave!”

“Nope, because I wouldn’t let you.”

“Why?”

“Cause you’re my favourite.”

“Really? Could’ve fooled me! Do you hound all your favourites like this?”

Brian shrugged.

“Tough love. Worked for me. Anyway – thanks for clearing that up for me, Javi. Now off to practice with you, it’s already very late.”

“Brian look – I don’t want Yuzu to leave. It’s just...it’s gonna be strange without him. And people will _talk_.”

Brian waited for him to continue.

“I’ll.... I’ll have a word with him", Javier mumbled. "Maybe we can move past this.”

Brian considered this, then finally nodded.

“Alright, but _after practice_. Just be honest with him and don’t make him any promises you can’t keep.”

 

After practice, Javier thought he’d better get it over with sooner rather than later, and called Yuzuru, who answered almost immediately.

“Hi, Javi”, he said on a small voice.

“Hey, Yuzu. Listen, Brian told me you want to leave. Ehh – is this about..... you know....? I mean – why do you want to leave?”

Shit. Javier should’ve probably thought about what he was gonna say before making the call.

There was silence.

“Um. I – I send text, Javi. You didn’t answer text. Are you very angry?”

“What? No, no, I’m not mad or anything, maybe a bit upset but it’ll pass – Is that why you’re leaving, cause you think I’m angry at you?”

“Yes, I don’t want to bother. And it’s hard that I....” Yuzuru trailed off, words in English starting to fail him. He tried again: “It’s hard for me....”

Javier decided to ignore that.

“You don’t bother me. So really, there’s no need for you to leave. We’ll just forget about this whole thing, put it behind us. Gone. Slate wiped clean. Whoosh.” Javier made a wiping motion out of habit, since when he was talking with Yuzuru he had to use a lot of visual cues and gestures, forgetting that Yuzuru couldn’t see him now.

“....Yes”, Yuzuru answered uncertainly.

“We’ll be like before. Friends. Yeah? We support each other, we make each other better....”

“...Yeah”, Yuzuru said, this time with a little more conviction. “Friends, Javi. Thank you.”

“So it’s settled then, you won’t leave?”

“I won’t leave.”

 

Yuzuru and Javier had become friends with their eyes before they ever said a word to each other. When Javier first saw Yuzuru, he felt compelled to look a second time, and then again – again, with a smile and a nod. Ever so often, Yuzuru would look at Javier, and, having ascertained that Javier was watching him, he’d carry on, as before. There was an unspoken complicity in their mutual gazing, which Javier unconsciously found comforting, and flattering. Yuzuru set Javier apart from the rest, and from himself too – encased together with the object of his contemplation, whose gaze reflected back at him. In time, Javier had come to know everything Yuzuru was doing, all his gestures, all his tics, he was learning Yuzuru by heart. Sometimes he felt that if he closed his eyes, he could imitate and continue all his movements. Yuzuru hugged Javier good morning and fell asleep on planes and buses after telling Javier good night with a flicker of his eyelashes. And in between, there was everything else.

Two years after coming to train with Javier in Toronto, Yuzuru had a violent collision with another skater during the warm-up for a competition. Javier wasn’t there, but he took in the news, along with everyone else, shocked and terrified. In the wake of that event, Javier’s world view shifted: Yuzuru wasn’t invulnerable, and he wasn’t always to be envied. Javier’s perception of Yuzuru’s skating also changed. He used to have a starry-eyed admiration for Yuzuru’s crazy speed on ice, and his stubborn persistence to launch into risky jumps long after his body had stopped cooperating and had given himself countless bruises and aches trying to emulate him. But after the accident, Javier became convinced, and he didn’t even need Brian to tell him, that Yuzuru wasn’t as much brave, as he was reckless, inviting injury and accidents. Yuzuru needed someone like Javier, older and wiser, to look after him, like a big brother would – take him by the scruff of his neck and pull him in line if needs be. It was like this in Toronto, and even more so when they were at competitions, where the presence of other skaters intensified Javier’s wolf pack mentality. The quality of the gazing changed – no longer contemplative, it was now purposeful, to be practiced regularly and dutifully, for the best of reasons. It was unfortunately also interfering with Javier’s own practice, and Brian saw an opening to discuss this when Javier had twisted his neck unnaturally to look back at Yuzuru, as Brian was demonstrating something in the opposite direction.

“Am I boring you, Javi?” Brian said, testily.

“What? Brian, no.”

“Do you think Yuzuru can demonstrate any of this better than me?”

“No no! Brian, you did beautifully!”

“Thank you. That’s nice to hear. However, the best compliment is your attention but, if you’d rather be watching Yuzu...”

“Gosh, Brian, don’t get so bitchy! Besides, you misunderstood!”

“You two have always been watching each other and I respected that, but I draw the line when you don’t pay attention to me. Now please enlighten me, what am I supposed to understand?”

“It’s like... Yuzu had that accident, right? But it’s like he hasn’t learned his lesson! Look at him, it’s like he’s alone out here! One reasonably sized rink isn’t enough for him to share with the rest of us.”

“Do I detect a hint of -?”

“You detect a hint of me being fucking reasonable. And I worry. Don’t you worry, as his coach?”

“Funny, cause I was just gonna say, ‘why don’t you let me worry about that’.”

Javier rolled his eyes.

“Anyway, who are you worried for? Him? The rest of the skaters? You?”

“I don’t know”, Javier gestured. “I’m just worried, in general.”

“Riiiight”, Brian said.

“Okay, I’m worried for him, right? Sorry, Brian but I feel I have to check on him from time to time. Look out for him. It gives me peace of mind. Don’t even wanna question why. You’re just gonna have to go with it, okay?”

Brian sighed.

“As long as you don’t let it take up too much of your time”, he agreed. “If I see that it does, or if you ignore me again, you’re gonna hear from me.”

It turned out that a few solid seconds of focused staring once every couple of minutes was all Javier needed, sometimes more and sometimes less.

Yuzuru, who loved attention and Javier’s attention most of all, was of course bound to love this.

After Yuzuru’s clumsy confession and the kiss at the pub, Javier finally realized that Yuzuru had probably been taking Javier’s attention entirely the wrong way. The smart thing for Javier to do at this point was to put a stop to it, but he couldn’t - it had become too much of a habit, closely knit with all the other small habits which made up his practice sessions, and to remove one of them would be courting disaster.

 

Disaster seemed to be courting Javier anyway these days. His usually rock solid quad salchow was stubbornly escaping him, betraying him either midair, or during take-off. Javier almost preferred it to be the former, because he had numerous tricks to ensure a good landing, even when his axis was off and his position in the air was balls. But there was nothing more frustrating than to slip and end up on your butt after you delivered four flawless rotations and your skating foot all but connected with the ice.

“Your free leg is sloppy!” Brian cautioned him, the fourth time Javier fell. “You’re not tight in the air!”

Javier reacted by swearing angrily under his breath and rubbing his sore butt.

He gritted his teeth, foused, and launched again – this time it was almost perfect, and yet he still ended up hitting the ice. He almost howled in frustration, turning over on his belly and sliding on the ice dejectedly.

“Why the fuck??”, he wondered childishly at the unfairness of it. “ _Fucking fuck,_ puta madre, mierda, me cago en la leche!”

Yuzuru skated towards Javier and held out a hand, to help him up.

Javier stared. They’d been walking on eggshells around each other since the pub incident, so this was unexpected.

Instead of taking the proferred hand, Javier pulled himself up inelegantly, and grabbed Yuzuru by the back of the neck, nails digging in. This kind of roughhousing was common with them, but now Javier pinched a little too hard to be playful, shook him perhaps a little too violently. Yuzuru yelped like a kicked puppy, and Javier felt a little guilty but mostly afraid of his own over-reaction. He quickly let go, and scowled a weak “Get outta here”, raising his arm, as if to strike Yuzuru, playfully, except Yuzuru didn’t pull away with a giggle like he always did - he closed his eyes, as if bracing himself for the blow, lips parted.

Javier froze with his arm in the air looking at him.

There was a strange tension between them as Javier finally lowered his arm, awkwardly.

“I wasn’t actually gonna hit you,” he pointed out the obvious.

“You still mad,” Yuzuru said.

“Huh?” Javier reacted eloquently.

“I’m sorry”, Yuzuru said.

It took a while for Javier to realize that Yuzuru thought Javier was still mad at him for kissing him. He should try to explain that this was not the case. But then again, he didn’t know exactly why he had done it, so explaining was difficult.

Like a moment of closeness without the baggage that came with it; like a shot of adrenaline that is halfway from reckless to insane; like an act of domination in gut reaction to his perceived inferiority. Javier couldn’t have put all these into words into his own language, much less in English.

So he waved a hand.

“No, _I’m_ sorry. Just having a bad practice. Not anyone’s fault.”

 

The bad practice turned into a bad season. Javier fucked up his chances to make the Grand Prix final.

He stayed behind in Toronto and watched the GPF resentfully on tv, a beer in hand and Conrad, who had turned into Yuzuru’s biggest fan, his only company.

 

“What the fuck is he wearing?” Conrad gaped at the tv.

“His idol is Johnny Weir”, Javier deadpanned.

“Johnny who?”

“Have you watched any figure skating in your life or is this your first time?”

“Watched some chicks. Was disappointed to find out they actually wear some skin-coloured costume all over and they’re not really half naked.”

“Dolt”, Javier answered automatically. “It’s called a mesh. Wore it myself.”

“Gay”, Conrad reacted, just as automatically. “Anyway, is anyone worth watching, except babydoll right there?”

“ _I’m_ worth watching, you fucker.”

“Well yeah, but you’re not _there_ , are ya?” Conrad said, unwittingly pouring salt over Javier's gaping wound.

Javier went from mildly annoyed to pissed in half a second.

“There’s lots of us worth watching. There’s more to this sport than Yuzuru fucking Hanyu”, he said, spitefully. “Although, don’t tell that to any of the screaming chicks who fill arenas these days.”

“Oh, someone’s jealous, innit?” Conrad laughed, joyfully, and Javier could’ve murdered him.  

Then Conrad sobered up as another thought hit him:

“So wait, all of these chicks are gasping after this one guy who’s in fact gay and lusting after his straight team mate? That’s fucking tragic, man. What a waste...”

“A waste of what exactly?”

Conrad looked at him like it was plainly obvious and Javier was being dumb:

“Of chicks! Duh! Anyway, why aren’t you there?”

“Didn’t make the cut this year,” said Javier shortly.

“That’s bad, innit?”

Javier shrugged. It was fine. This was nothing. 

“I’m just pacing myself. Worlds is when I gotta be ready.”

“I hear ya”, Conrad nodded.

It was fine, Javier thought. I just need to pull myself together.

On the screen, Yuzuru was winning his second GPF gold medal in a row.

 

 

Javier took back his own at Worlds, but only because Yuzuru, having peaked too early in the season, collapsed due to sheer exhaustion before he finished the program. When he fell on the ice, seemingly out of nowhere, the arena filled with screams – prolonged wails when he failed to stand up immediately, and the music still played on, as people watched incredulously as the skater gasped for air, still prostrate on the ice. There were hushed talks backstage of medics being sent to him, but then Yuzuru stood up and struggled to skate towards – not Brian, who was waiting by the boards with a concerned expression, but the judges whom he begged for a replay. They agreed to replay the program starting from the moment when he fell. But Yuzuru, though struggling valiantly, failed to secure the gold he strived towards. The hearts of the people, however, he secured strongly – they were his, under lock and key, Javier reflected bitterly, as he skated his way to gold to polite applause. He didn’t have it him for this anymore. He was going to retire – soon.

 

 

There were ice shows that summer and Javier was all for it because that’s where the big bucks were made. Everyone in the figure skating world knew it: ice shows were a blessing – no stress, no pressure, lots of fun, less expectations, fans who wanted nothing more than to see you up close and maybe brush hands, and cheer for you even if you messed up. And money. Actually getting paid for all the blood and sweat you poured on the ice, instead of having to dig deep in your pockets to pay for coach, choreo, equipment, and a whole lot of other things. Javier didn’t know precisely because he didn’t pay for them himself – his Federation did, and his parents covered the rest, with absolutely no complaints, but Javier still only felt like he was earning his living during the off-season. Except he doubted that earning one’s living could be so fun as this. Skaters usually played it safe during ice shows, they were relaxed and happy, flashy but not overstraining themselves. Of course, except Yuzuru Hanyu. And that made Javier even more relaxed during ice shows he shared with Yuzuru because he knew, Yuzuru would make everything alright – he’d give his all as if it was the goddamn Olympics, he’d die out there just to make people happy. He was the one who most people came to see, and he’d deliver, and then some. Javier could slack off, and open a beer after the show, and just enjoy the life. He never expected that he wouldn’t get invited to what everyone by now called ‘Yuzuru’s show’ because of their little incident earlier in the season – and he was right not to worry, because he was indeed, invited again. Yuzuru wanted him there. And so there he was, living the dream. At the end of every show, Yuzuru singled him out for a photo – gripping him tightly as though reveling in their one moment of connection that Javier couldn’t reject. Javier gripped him back, just as tightly, and smiled brightly for the cameras.

 

It was the last night of the first stop of their tour. Javier had finished his program and was getting ready for the ending along with everyone else, only Yuzuru left to skate. He had already changed and was waiting anxiously for his turn, like it was a competition, peeking from behind the curtains every now and then.

In his elegant costume, Yuzuru looked impossibly fragile and beautiful. Javier thought, I could bend him over one of these benches and take him like I would a girl. He’d let me. He’d probably thank me.

Javier remembered the taste and softness of his lips. Problem was, the rest of his body wasn’t soft, it was hard and tight with muscle, underneath deceptively smooth skin. Javier imagined having those plump lips wrapped around his cock during practice breaks. The boy was so eager to please him, would he suck him off if Javier asked him nicely? Would he perhaps ask for something in return? Javier shook his head as if to get rid of his intrusive thoughts. ‘This is all Conman’s doing’, he thought. ‘He planted those crazy ideas into my brain, the fucker.’

 

This time, Yuzuru didn’t only ask for a picture. He took Javier’s hands and did a full round of the rink with him, in the applause of the crowd. Javier gritted his teeth and smiled, under the cheers and camera flashes from the crowd, because he couldn’t do anything else. Yuzuru’s hands in his own felt soft and strong, gripping with purpose, confident in his assurance that he won’t be rejected. Javier felt helplessly angry, overcome with the desire to _hurt._ He asked for a microphone, and it was provided. He announced his retirement. There were satisfying gasps all around – from the crowd, and the skaters, too. He’d shared his decision with no one, not even his family, or his girlfriend, and he was planning to give it another season and hold grand farewells at every venue. He could still do that, he reflected. This season will be my last, he said. Yuzuru’s shock and tears didn’t feel as good as Javier had expected. They felt wrong, and for a few seconds, he felt as if Yuzuru was going to break down completely – he was being _too obvious._ He clung to Javier as if the Spaniard was his only lifeline, in full view of everyone, holding _too tight,_ crying _too much_ , until Javier wanted to slap him just to shock him back into a semblance of composure. Everyone was watching Yuzuru with a fond, understanding look on their faces, but Javier knew it was only a matter of time before they started asking themselves all sorts of questions, and it sickened him. Grin fixed in place, Javier hugged Yuzuru tightly and whispered inconspicuously in his ear:

“If you don’t stop this _right now_ , you’ll never see me again after tonight.”

Yuzuru froze up momentarily, then took a shuddering breath and disentangled himself from Javier, smiling widely and laughing his silly laugh. Javier sighed in relief.

Backstage, Javier rounded up on Yuzuru:

“What the fuck do you want from me?” he demanded.

He looked round to check that they were alone, but then lowered his voice nonetheless:

“Tell me, what do you want from me? Hm?”

Faced with Javier's unrestrained anger, Yuzuru shook his head, at a loss for words.

"Seriously, what the fuck?" Javier repeated, as if addressing the question to the universe.

Yuzuru's silent gaze was burning through his skin.

Javier surged forward in an angry kiss, a mockery of their heated make-out session in a Toronto bar, months ago. “Yeah, this? This is what you want?” he whispered between kisses.“I have a girlfriend....I love my girlfriend very much.,,,I love fucking her....I wish I were fucking her right now.”

“No”, Yuzuru said, pleadingly. “No. I think of you as friend. Friend only, Javi.”

“Really? Then why are you acting like this? You’re acting like a jealous woman. And this?” Javier’s hand dipped to the front of Yuzuru’s pants which were tented. He took him in hand softly. “Why are you hard?”

“I’m sorry”, Yuzuru answered, overwhelmed and ashamed. He hid his face in Javier’s shoulder. “So sorry. Friend only, Javi”, he repeated.

“Friend only, huh?” Javier muttered, scanning the room, considering possible exits and side-rooms. “Want me to get you off?” he asked, voice going a little high at the end with nerves.

“Javi....”, Yuzuru breathed, whispered, whined. He draped himself over Javier like a cloying vine, trembling. Javier half-wanted to swat him, brush himself off and walk away. Yet he also wanted to touch, taste and feel, with a sudden, overpowering pull of sensual curiosity.

He took a few steps back, Yuzuru still clinging to him. The door Javier tried at first wouldn’t open. He cursed.

“For god’s sake, you’re the master of this domain. Find us a room. _A room_ , Yuzu!” he repeated, louder, grabbing his chin, to look into his glazed eyes. “We need a fucking place where someone won’t come barging in for the next few minutes!”

Yuzuru nodded, then finally pulled back. Javier shivered like Yuzuru’s heat had been the only thing keeping him warm. Yuzuru took his hand and Javier allowed himself to be led down an empty corridor and into what looked like a storage room. He tripped over a vacuum cleaner left by the door, and tried not to squash several rubber items whose utility he couldn’t even begin to comprehend. He turned around a little exasperated. Yuzuru closed the door and leaned on it, then took Javier’s hand and placed it back on his own cock, daring even a little push into his palm, then he looked up at him with wide, scared eyes. Javier forgot all about their surroundings, a thrum of physical desire almost stomach-churning in its unlikely intensity taking over his mind again.

“Do you wanna fuck me?” Javier asked, brusquely. “Or you want me to fuck you? Let’s be clear, I’m not into any of this gay stuff”, he said harshly, in an attempt to keep an anchor on a reality he felt was rapidly slipping away.

Yuzuru shook his head emphatically.

“I’m sorry”, he repeated, “Javi, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-“

The mantra was endless, appeasing and promising in the same breath, and soon Javier’s ears were ringing with it, words which heralded a sin only to absolve it, as Yuzuru apologized for the fact that he was hard, and getting even harder under Javier’s hand, and for Javier also getting hard, and for Yuzuru getting his own hand on Javier, even as he licked his lips, and Javier interrupted with ‘Your mouth, I want your mouth on me’ – and

“I’m sorry”, as Yuzuru slipped down to his knees and took Javier’s cock out of his pants, “I’m sorry”, as Yuzuru pressed his lips against the leaking tip, and then engulfed the entire length into his mouth until the head of Javier’s engorged cock was hitting his throat – and then there was nothing but white noise buzzing through Javier’s ears, as he moaned fiercely, and thrust in and in – _in,_ clenching Yuzuru’s hair almost viciously, not sparing a thought for his choking sounds and desperate panting breaths through his nose, as Yuzuru struggled to be _good for Javi_ , even as his lips were turning blue. It was lucky that Javier didn’t last long. The violent rhythm, Yuzuru’s pliant, wet heat, his efforts to suck Javier’s essence through his cock, sent Javier careening towards an explosive climax in record time. Javier didn’t pull out, just kept his painful hold on Yuzuru’s hair until he finished coming, making him swallow everything he had to give, sobbing when he was finished, his fingers finally unclenching.

“I’m sorry” - Yuzuru’s voice now ragged and wrecked, as Javier’s softening length slipped out of his mouth.

Javier sighed and slipped to the floor, panting, not bothering to tuck himself back into his pants.

“You better be”, he answered, harshly. “You better be sorry.”

He looked up and saw Yuzuru rubbing at his own cock through his pants, and realized he must’ve done this all throughout the time he went down on Javier. He reached out to slap Yuzuru's hand away, then pulled Yuzuru’s pants down along with his underwear, impatiently, Yuzuru yelping as his erection got caught in the fabric, but helping to dispose of them. Javier took Yuzuru’s hard cock in his hand almost clinically, considering its weight, its length, the wetness at the tip, the way it twitched under his hand. He brushed his fingers tentatively against it.

“Mnnnh!” Yuzuru moaned, looking up at Javier, like he had hung the moon and stars.

Javier rubbed more vigurously, the way he himself liked it, spitting on his palm to get a smoother slide. It felt exciting, Yuzuru’s cock was twitching in response to his rough handling, and Yuzuru was steadily losing it, face flushed and bright, eyes clouded, but gaze still fixed on Javier:

“Javi – Javi – I -“

Yuzuru threw his head back  – he was close, Javier sped up the movement, gripping tighter, stripping Yuzuru’s cock faster and faster, waiting with almost breathless anticipation for the climax. It was coming – the first shot of cum made Javier almost groan with satisfaction.

“Yeah”, he reacted, “yeahhh, that’s it”, and kept on milking it until the last drop.

“Ahhh – Javi, I _love you_ -“

Javier removed his hand abruptly, as if stung, as if the words themselves had burned him. The small room was suddenly closing in on him.

“No”, Yuzuru panted, as he was coming down from his high, having realized his mistake. “No, no”, he shook his head. “Javi-“

“If you say ‘I’m sorry’, then so help me...”

“Javi, I don’t! I _don’t,_ it’s just something to say...”

“Something to say?” Javier took up. “Like, in the heat of the moment, yeah?”

“Mmmm”, Yuzuru nodded, desperately.

“You better be careful saying that to girls. They’ll get the wrong idea.”

 “I never, I never. Have sex with girls.”

“Right, well, guys definitely don’t wanna hear that. After a round of sex. Just so you know. Not that we even had sex or anything. It was just fooling around.”

“Ah”, Yuzuru exclaimed, as if a struck by a sudden jolt of pain. He tried to stand up and staggered on his heels.

“Right, let’s get cleaned up”, Javier said.

 

It was about two weeks later, and they had moved to another town, when Javier returned at the hotel room one night to find his door already open. He thought nothing of it, but then when he went inside and saw a shape curled up in his bed, he blanked out for a long moment in pure terror.

“Javi!” the shape said, and the bedside lamp was turned on. Yuzuru’s eyes peered at him from where he was sitting, in Javier’s own bed, wrapped up in the bed covers.

Javier jumped a mile.

“Dios mio!” he shouted. “Yuzu! Yuzu??? You almost gave me a heart attack, man!”

He bent over, trying to catch his breath.

Yuzuru stared at him frightened of his reaction, covers pulled up almost to his eyes:

“Sorry, Javi! Sorry I scare you!”

“Hmmm. Okay. I’m good. Now, please tell me if you don’t mind, what on earth are you doing here?”

Yuzuru bit down on the covers anxiously, looking up at Javier without a word.

“Okay, let me rephrase that: What the fuck are you doing, breaking into my room and getting into my bed....” - Yuzuru shifted and the covers partially slipped off him – Javier took a whizzing breath....”into my bed, _naked_ ”, he continued, trying to summon his indignation, but instead he felt a sliver of hot arousal.

Not unlike their previous encounter in the closet, it was an opportunity to indulge. Even better now, a bed was far more comfortable. Javier had made it clear the last time there would be no strings attached. Since Yuzuru was here now, it means he’d accepted that. Everything was good. There was just one more thing.

“Did anyone see you come in?”

Yuzuru shook his head no.

“How _did_ you get in?”

Yuzuru reached over towards the nightstand. There was a bottle of lube there which Javier only just then noticed, and his eyes bulged. But Yuzuru didn’t touch it, instead he picked up a small object and held it up for Javier to see. Javier had to come closer to see what it was. A paperclip.

Javier snorted.

“You used that to open the door?” he asked, reluctantly impressed.

Yuzuru nodded, with a smile, absurdly pleased at the reaction.

“You’re full of surprises.”

Javier started taking his clothes off nonchalantly.

“Guess you’re not as innocent as I thought you were. In more ways than one”, he added meaningfully. “You fucked lots of guys?”

Yuzuru flinched, his smile fading.

“No”, he answered, shaking his head pointedly.

“Come on, you can tell me”, Javier said, hopping off on one foot to take off his left sock. “I won’t tell, all this is just between us.”

Yuzuru shook his head again and clenched his fingers on the bed covers.

Javier finally took off his boxers with a flourish, and approached the bed.

“So what do you wanna do? By the way, I don’t know what you’ve planned on doing with _that_ ”, he pointed to the bottle of lube, “but you’re not sticking anything up my ass. You’re welcome to suck me off again, though. You were really good at it.”

Javier stopped near the bed and Yuzuru lifted a hand to pull Javier down to him, but Javier took hold of the covers that Yuzuru was still wrapped in.

“Come out from under there”, he said, when Yuzuru wouldn’t budge. “A little late to play all coy, don’t you think? Get out of bed, and stand up here, I wanna see you.”

Yuzuru scrambled out of bed awkwardly, one hand covering his manhood. Javier had no problem with that, he’d already seen his dick and he didn’t understand why Yuzuru was acting shy all of a sudden, when just a few days ago he’d been gagging on Javier’s cock. It amused him that Yuzuru was actually blushing, whether from his proximity to a naked Javier or from his own nakedness, it was anybody’s guess.

Meanwhile, Javier was surveying Yuzuru carefully, with a sort of a detached interest. It was as if his mind was daring him to find anything wrong. Well defined muscles, the body of an athlete, long, slender limbs, small waist – but wasn’t Yuzu too thin? Smooth, unblemished skin, a clutter of moles in an unexpected place.... – but wasn’t Yuzu’s body hard instead of soft, as Javier liked it? How would this experience rate in his book? Javier ran a curious hand over Yuzuru’s chest, flicking absently at a small rosy nipple. He frowned, trying to focus: _Do you like this enough to carry on, come on Javier, it’s a simple question._ He couldn’t tell, and it frustrated him. Javier put both hands on Yuzuru, firmly touching him, and he still couldn’t tell. Yuzuru felt warm, and his chest was rising and falling underneath Javier’s palms. Javier blinked – what was he trying to do in the first place? What was he supposed to--

Yuzuru whined. It brought Javier back to reality. The room smelled heavy of arousal. They were both hard. Yuzuru lifted his own hand and placed it on Javier’s abdomen, caressing him softly. The gentleness of the caress annoyed Javier – it crossed the line from sensual into something cloying where he did not want to go. He grabbed Yuzuru’s wrist and turned him around in the process.

This was better. He couldn’t see Yuzuru’s face anymore, those limpid eyes filled with emotion, drinking Javier in like he was the finest wine, and Javier could resume his inspection unbothered. The line of Yuzuru’s back painted an elegant line. It gave way to a small dip where Javier’s hands liked to rest often enough. Javier’s eyes were drawn lower still, towards the perky shapely ass, and he smiled, pleased.

“Nice”, he murmured, tracing the line of Yuzuru’s hips. He pinched one of the full ass cheeks, and slapped it playfully, just to see it redden. “I actually wouldn’t mind fucking you. I only fuck girls but you’re so pretty.”

Yuzuru had his head hung low – tears were running down his cheeks, but Javier didn’t realize it: he pressed his mouth to bite sensually at the tempting curve of Yuzuru’s back. That’s when Javier felt, more than heard Yuzuru’s hitching breath as he unsuccessfully tried to stifle a sob, and pulled back.

“Do you usually cry when guys pay you a compliment? What’s wrong, huh?”

Yuzuru half turned and Javier was shocked to see that he had been crying so heavily his face was already red and wet with tears.

“What the hell happened?” he repeated, dumbly.

“It’s not....comp- compliment!” Yuzuru struggled commically with the word and finally pronounced it so strangely that Javier cringed. “You’re like...you’re like....” he searched for words desperately, closing his eyes tightly while more tears escaped. “You’re being with me like I don’t matter!” he finally spit out. He looked at Javier reproachfully, but with sadness.

Javier stared back, dumbstruck.

Yuzuru sidestepped him without another word, and started to put on his clothes.

Javier’s bewilderment gave way to an intense frustration at being unexpectedly denied.

“So you’re gonna leave just like this, after getting me all worked up?” he snarled angrily, snatching the t-shirt from Yuzuru’s hands and throwing it in a ball across the room. “What the fuck are you playing at?”

Yuzuru went to recover his t-shirt, but Javier grabbed him angrily by the shoulders, shaking him, as he shouted in his face:

“Answer me, why are you messing with me like this?”

“I – you – _wrong_!” Yuzuru shrieked at him angrily. He was no longer crying – his eyes were throwing daggers at Javier.

“What did you think was gonna happen, huh?” Javier yelled back, shaking him by the shoulders with unrestrained fury. “That I was gonna declare my undying love for you? I thought you understood. I’m not interested in you, I told you, not like this!”

“But you – _You_!” Yuzuru insisted, gesturing from Javier to himself, as if to say ‘look at us’.

“Yeah, so what?” Javier replied. “I can rub one off with the boys, doesn’t mean I wanna take them home and marry them! Jesus Christ, Yuzu.... you should get out more. This means _nothing_.”

For a second, Javier thought Yuzuru was going to start crying again. But then Yuzuru’s eyes turned to pure steel.

“Nothing”, he repeated dully. He pushed at Javier’s hands, and Javier let go immediately. “Nothing”, he said again, as if to himself, and nodded, to someone far away, as he used to do on ice during runthroughs.

Yuzuru turned away from Javier and slowly resumed dressing, whispering to himself in Japanese, and Javier didn’t stop him this time – he just watched Yuzuru and noticed that there were angry red marks on his shoulders where Javier had grabbed him. They were starkly visible on his pale skin and Javier wondered whether they would turn into ugly violet bruises. It made him feel sad, and guilty. Everything was a mess but Javier wasn’t going to say he was sorry, because he wasn’t the one who had started this mess.

“Yuzu, wait, what’s gonna happen now?” Javier said, when Yuzuru had reached the door and prepared to open it. He was annoyed at this unexpected breach of comfort in his otherwise pretty sweet life. Things like these were bound to have consequences, they were definitely gonna be weird with each other now.

Yuzuru looked back, apparently confused by the question.

“Nothing”, he echoed blankly, then quickly stepped outside.

 

The next night, Yuzuru skated like a waking dream, enchanting, tender, inescapable. Javier irrationally thought – this is for me, for my eyes only, I’m meant to see it and – and what? An uncomfortable cloying feeling was making him nauseous and weak. He shook himself, like a wet dog.

‘Why does he have to be like _this_?’ Javier thought, without clarifying to himself what ‘like this’ meant. ‘He’s stronger than me, so much stronger, I feel like a fucking twig carried by the wind, like I’m the one who weighs next to nothing. Nothing.’

Yuzuru did not touch Javier, did not even look his way during the finale. Javier told himself he should feel relieved, and almost did.

 

Javier did retire, and for a while, he was happy, but after sitting out a few seasons, he felt restless and decided to make a comeback. However, it wasn’t like before. An easy life spent in the comforts of home with a wife and a newborn son and another one on the way, was taking its toll. He had lost his hunger and his drive. He had always been lazy, but now he found practice unbearably tedious. It didn’t help that now he trained in Spain, where he was seen pretty much as a god in the figure skating world – there was no Brian anymore to scold him or Yuzuru to motivate him.

There was no more Yuzuru – at all. Javier had soon found that Yuzuru scrupulously avoided being in the same ice shows as Javier, and whenever possible, even in the same competitions as him.

It was like Yuzuru had said – nothing. No big scandal, no shouting match, in fact nobody ever suspected a thing. Just a nothingness that was cold as ice.

The funny part was that Javier was still asked about Yuzuru by the press, and now Yuzuru’s complete absence from Javier’s life made it easy for Javier to wax poetical about him.

“Training with Yuzu was like... flying in the orbit of a supernova ... you could get burned, but it was also very exciting”, he’d remark nonsensically. The media loved it, the fans gushed.

Javier and Yuzuru both turned to coaching and, although having initially avoided that predicament, grew to be like Plushenko and Yagudin, or Mishin and Tarasova before them – quietly but icily resentful of each other. Their star students gave each other long curious side glances, but stayed away. It was a sad affair, but life went on.

One time, more than ten years later, Yuzuru and Javier happened to brush against each other unwillingly in a tight corridor, as they were ushering their respective students to the venue, giving each other polite nods through gritted teeth, as the media happily snapped their picture of the day. Javier unexpectedly felt Yuzuru’s warmth in that brief inadvertent touch, even through their thick layers of clothing, and remembered that cloying feeling he had forgotten about, and the unexplored radiance of Yuzuru’s naked body in front of him, tender and trusting. He was briefly shaken out of his comfort zone and it showed in his eyes, as he glanced at Yuzuru, and thought he saw, or imagined he did, that very same something in Yuzuru’s eyes.

But the ice awaited.


End file.
